and memories



Bereft

Your leaving would take the middle out of my life. To say that I would miss you is like beggars’ alms, for they are a beggar’s words. I would be desperately alone and the world would not know it. I would laugh as I always have: too heartily. But, I would not cry. To think of life without you would be like drinking tea from a saucer, too hot and then too cold. It would be like climbing Mount Everest and not finding ice and snow there, yet having lost a limb to frostbite. To think of every day, crystallising without you is emptiness so vast I cannot comprehend it, like light not comprehending darkness. The very aliveness of the world, the very death in me, a zombie; gyrating from one true pure function to another; that would be me without you.
The loneliness of the heart you have already known, but picture the strangeness of my soul without you.
Some poems take a lot more out of me to present to the public. This one was written more than thirty years ago. It lay among my papers, then I had to “de-clutter”, so I transferred, those I was somewhat partial to into soft copy versions. It was one of those pieces that I kept coming back to wondering if it was “naff” or okay. Finally last year, it was published in Robin Barratt’s collection of prose and poetry titled Lonely. It’s also available on Amazon.
Robin approached me and asked if I wanted to write for his rather sad, but cathartic collection. Along came this poem and three others all written at roughly the same time.
I guess it’s time to share it here.
Such solitariness I have known
Total. Complete.
The satisfaction of being myself
And me alone.
The breezes were my playmates
The rains were made for me
Who else had I need for
And who had need for me?
But then a yearning filled me
Strange and hitherto
Alien to my soul.
A disturbing thrashing around of my spirit.
I searched
I called
I wept
To the unfeeling skies above me
Surely, somewhere
There was someone else like me!
This solitariness I too have known
That I live and die
Alone.
Two things happened. I received, as i regularly do, a reading from the Bible Job 28:1 (There are mines where silver is dug; There are places where gold is refined. 2 We dig iron out of the ground And melt copper out of the stones) and found the imagery wonderful and truly quite awesome. Then a day or two later I read about the Onegin Stanza also called a Pushkin Sonnet. With these two influences buzzing around in my head I have created the following piece with two Onegin stanzas ending in a set.
I hope it works for you, although I think a modern free verse attempt may have captured the grandiose emotions a bit better. Perhaps another day.
There are mines where silver is dug, and found
Places where our gold is refin’d
We dig for iron right out of the ground
And stones we melt for copper to find